Overheard Updates

2PM The Naughty Librarian Strikes Again

Helpful librarian: Here is an explanation of the changes a boy goes through, and masturbation.
Shocked redfaced teen: No, I said books on emancipation!

Ceres, California

via Overheard in the Office, Jul 9, 2008



As You Should Know All Too Well, Cuntrella
Teacher: Does anyone know how to spell that?
(silence)
Student: Looks like it's time to whip out the dic!
Teacher: Some words should *not* be shortened.

High School Classroom
Rhode Island
via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 23, 2008



Elmer and Mrs Fudd Are Justifiably Proud of Their Daughter
PSU freshman (attempting to flirt): Wow, that's an amazing accent! Is it British?
Cute freshman who says Rs like Ws: Actually, it's a speech impediment.
Overheard by: ellen
via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 25, 2008



If You Don't Share with Him
(mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines)
Mom: Eric, let's go now!
Eric: But Mom, I want one!
Mom: For Christ's sake! Just take one and let's go.
(Eric takes Gay Life)
Mom: Your father is going to kill you.

--80th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Schatz
via Overheard in New York, Jun 22, 2008



12PM What Happens When You Learn History on a Hippie Commune
Maintenance idiot: How do you think they came up with that whole groundhog thing?
Electronics clerk: What groundhog thing?
Maintenance idiot: You know, the groundhog sees his shadow and we have six more months of winter. How do you think they came up with that idea?
Electronics clerk: Ummmm... It's six weeks...
Maintenance idiot: I bet it was all of those animal activist settlers back when they came to America, or something.
Electronics clerk: Animal activist settlers?

Ft. Smith, Arkansas

Overheard by: i love my job
via Overheard in the Office, Jun 24, 2008

Post-modern liberal academia in a nutshell

Whatever I Can't Get from Miss Cleo, Anyway.
Professor: Temperature is an example of an invented reality. Temperature doesn't exist. It's all in our minds. It's either hot or cold out, but what are "degrees" really? Nothing!
Student: Actually, temperature is scientifically calculated by... (goes on to give long, technical explanation)
Professor: Really? I'm going to have to go look that up on Wikipedia. I get all of my information from Wikipedia.

University of Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Glad you're teaching us then...
via Overheard Everywhere, Jul 1, 2008

Overheards in honor of my recent trip to Vegas

You Also Said That About the Hotel Concierge and Our Cabbie
Old woman: Take a picture of me with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their son.
Young woman: Mom, the black kid isn't a wax figure.
Old woman: Well, she just keeps adopting them, I thought it was her son!

--Madame Tussaud's
Overheard by: Julie
via Overheard in New York, Jun 27, 2008



Well, I Got a Lap Dance in the Buffet Line
Girl one: Smell my face. Smell right here. Doesn't it smell great? The stripper I got a lap dance from was wearing great perfume.
Girl two: It smells like pickles.

Toby Keith's Restaurant Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: At least it doesn't smell like tuna
via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 23, 2008



At Least That's What the Guy in the Turban Told Me
(After the recent spate of terrorist attacks the TSA decided to stop allowing liquids past the security gate)
TSA agent: I'm sorry, miss. You can't bring coffee past the security checkpoint.
Lady in a hurry: It's okay, it's tea.

--LaGuardia
Overheard by: John M.
via Overheard in New York, Jun 20, 2008

New Overheards batch

12PM That's a Sobriety Test in and of Itself
Lab tech: He needs to retake the drug screening.
Nurse: Why? He said he was ready to give a urine sample.
Lab tech: Well... How do I put this delicately? He did give us *a* sample... Just not the kind we needed.
Nurse: Wait, you mean... he... Oh my god! How the hell did he poop in that cup? I am impressed!
Lab tech: Yea, I kinda am to.

Hospital
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: Workin' here for the insurance
via Overheard in the Office, Jun 19, 2008



And I Thought I Was So Socially-Conscious When I Stopped Using "Blackie"
Blonde: So I started calling my students "nizzle".
Brunette: "Nizzle" means "nigger".
Blonde: Oh. My. God.

--A Train
via Overheard in New York, Jun 19, 2008



9AM One Sign You're Not Giving Your Writers Enough to Do Writer to editor: I was having a staring contest with you a little while ago, but you weren't paying attention so I won.

Broad Street
Augusta, Georgiavia Overheard in the Office, Jun 20, 2008




I've Always Wanted to Be a Fascist
TSA agent, looking at ID: So Judy*, how are you doing today?
50-something woman: Fine. How are you?
TSA agent: You know, living the dream.

Security Terminal
Airport, Minneapolis
via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 19, 2008

New batch of Overheards

In an Abstruse Theological Way That Requires Nothing of Us
Mid-30s casual man to woman: Obama is our modern-day political Jesus Christ. He will save us.

via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 16, 2008
(That one's for you, Kate! I know you love Overheards! ;)



Smart Money Says the Cheat Sheet Was One Off
Student teacher: Guys! Seriously! Was the Underground Railroad an actual train?
7th graders: No.
Student teacher: Then why did you all circle "true" for number 8: "The Underground Railroad ran on coal"?

--University Neighborhood Middle School
via Overheard in New York, Jun 12, 2008



And a Nazi Wouldn't Hail a Cab Of Color
Little tourist boy: Mommy! Look, that lady is a Nazi!
Frazzled tourist mom: What? Oh... Honey, that nice lady is hailing a cab, not Hitler.

--Bowery
via Overheard in New York, Jun 14, 2008



Not Knowing CSI Has No Secret Agents
Kid #1, sharing iPod with kid #2: Hey, it's the CSI song!
Kid #2: (laughs) Yeah.
Kid #1: It's like we're secret agents!
Kid #2: (laughs) No.
Kid #1: Yeah! It is.
Kid #2: No... It's like, we're stoners on the subway listening to The Who.

--F Train
via Overheard in New York, Jun 16, 2008



Aww, Look at Its Little Fuzzy Valtrex
Girl, observing a display of plush microbes: I want herpes! I think it's so cute!

SUNY
via Overheard Everywhere, Jun 15, 2008

Today's Funny Overheards

Can I Play, Too?
Worried manager: What are you doing over there? Sounds like you are playing with Legos. Dear God, you are!

Hartford, Connecticut
via Overheard in the Office, Apr 22, 2008



Other Cities Just Say They're the Greatest in the World
Frat tourist guy: Hey! I just hailed a New York City cab!
New Yorker, jumping into cab: I just stole your cab!

--Bleecker & Hudson

Overheard by: sean
via Overheard in New York, Apr 22, 2008

LOL Overheards

It's More Like a Museum of Strangers' Poo, Honey
Little girl, inside port-a-potty: Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy: Just be quiet and go potty.
Little girl: Mommy, do you know what it feels like in here? It's like a little house where I'll always be protected.

Renaissance Festival
Maryland

Overheard by: Nancy Whiskey
via Overheard Everywhere, Apr 15, 2008

I Mean Geraniums!
Woman #1: Where did you go to college?
Woman #2: University of Cape Town.
Woman #1: Oh, is that in Virginia?
Woman #2: No, it's actually in South Africa.
Woman #1: Ohhhh, sorry, I'm bad with geometry.
Woman #2: ...
Woman #1: I mean geology!

Overheard by: Actually, that was my mom.
via Overheard Everywhere, Apr 15, 2008

If Ned Flanders Had Sired a Girl
Dad: So, your school called today, honey, and do you know what they said?
Six-year-old girl: No, what?
Dad: That they have to check everyone in your class tomorrow for lice!
Six-year-old girl: Hoorayyyyyy!!

--West 4th St Platform

Overheard by: Jess
via Overheard in New York, Apr 15, 2008


You're Not a Lesbian, Are You?
Two-year-old girl runs up to Indian Sikh with grey beard and purple turban.
Toddler: Santa! Look mommy, Santa! Hi Santa!
Mom: She ... Likes your hat.

--Lillian's Pizza, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Ethan
via Overheard in New York, Apr 13, 2008

Overheard at W&L!

Knew this was coming...


So I Never Get to Use Them

Hoochie: I do have good morals, I'm just really drunk all the time.

Washington and Lee University
Lexington, Virginia
via Overheard Everywhere, Mar 16, 2008

.

This one tickled me

4PM "Sounds of Silence"?

Coworker #1: I can't believe you're singing.
Coworker #2: I always sing.
Coworker #1: Yeah, but the owner of the company is standing right over there!
Coworker #2: Why? Does she have a request?

Avon, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Fae

via Overheard in the Office, Feb 12, 2008

On the lighter side . . .

Liked these from over the long weekend:

The Twin Cities Get Ready for Winter
Hipster guy to chick: You know, if you drink a lot of Tabasco, your sh*t will really burn... No, I don't mean it will hurt. I mean you can light it on fire and it will keep you warm when it's cold out.

Overheard by: hungry muppet
via Overheard Everywhere, Jan 21, 2008



12PM Is There Anything It Can't Do?
Web artist: Man, it's cold out here! Thank God I bought my mittens.
Graphic artist: I hate wearing mittens... When my hands are cold, I just use my crotch.

731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Sr. Graphics Goddess
via Overheard in the Office, Jan 21, 2008

Overheards that made me LOL

... Without the Ball-Gag.

Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Dizzle
via Overheard in New York, Dec 20, 2007

That's the "Big Three" of Medication, All Right

Little grandson: Yo! He gonna go get some dicks!
Ghetto grandma: Where you learn to talk like? [To other passengers] I'm sorry. He needs his medication.
Little grandson: Dicks! Bitch! Coca-Cola!

--N train
via Overheard in New York, Dec 22, 2007

Where Conspiracy Bloggers Come From

Kid: Hey, where does the line start?
Mom: All the way over there.
Kid: Dear God. My glasses have fooled me yet again!
via Overheard Everywhere, Dec 27, 2007

Kohl's
Howell, New Jersey

Justifiably Indignant?

White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!

--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex

Overheard by: next in line

via Overheard in New York, Dec 29, 2007

Overheard

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Here are examples that made me laugh out loud:

3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue
Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...

via Overheard in the Office, Dec 4, 2007



Give Him a Break. It's Kentucky.
Man walking through automatic doors: Wow, it's the store of the future. The doors open by themselves!

Louisville, Kentucky

via Overheard Everywhere, Dec 4, 2007



And I'm Sorry, Okay?
Conductor over loudspeaker: Diana, I have your clothes... Diana, the head conductor has your clothes.

MBTA Commuter Rail
Boston, Massachusetts

via Overheard Everywhere, Dec 1, 2007



Gay Passerby: Wait, Now I'm Offended.
Native American woman to lady dressed as Indian: I find your costume very offensive.
Lady dressed as Indian: No... But I'm part of the Village People [points to girls dressed as cop and construction worker].
Native American woman, after long pause: Oh, well, that's okay, then.

Calgary Stampede
Calgary, Alberta

via Overheard Everywhere, Nov 24, 2007



9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!

Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
via Overheard in the Office, Nov 22, 2007




2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.

1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California

via Overheard in the Office, Nov 22, 2007




You're Lucky We're Letting You Breathe Heavily
Little boy: I don't wanna walk any more.
Father: No talking when we're on vacation!

Michigan Avenue and East Hubbard
Chicago, Illinois

via Overheard Everywhere, Nov 21, 2007




That's a Judgment -- I Asked for Your Perception
Ironman contestant's wife at mile 10 of the run leg: Honey, how are you feeling?
Ironman contestant: This was a stupid idea!

Vineman Ironman triathlon
Santa Rosa, California

via Overheard Everywhere, Nov 19, 2007




Portrait of a Man Whose Wife No Longer Wants Him
Little girl, after fireworks: Was that magic, Daddy?
Father: There's no such thing as magic.

Magic Kingdom, Disney World
Florida

via Overheard Everywhere, Nov 18, 2007